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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23299795">the broken and the bad</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jilliancares/pseuds/jilliancares'>jilliancares</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Steven Universe (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Catharsis, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Whump, spoilers for Homeworld Bound</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 05:22:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,801</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23299795</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jilliancares/pseuds/jilliancares</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This turmoil… it has no discernible source. Mrs. Maheswaren said his body could be reacting to past trauma, but it just doesn’t make <i>sense</i>. It was all so long ago, and he’s been perfectly fine until now…</p><p>Right?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>137</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the broken and the bad</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello during this time of quarantine i finally decided to watch steven universe and i watched Everything in the last like five days. and i can't get this show out of my head and now the finale's coming soon and i saw the homeworld bound episode yesterday and i had this Mighty Urge to write about steven 🥺 i love him SO MUCH someone help him he needs therapy!!!!! </p><p>i absolutely Do Not think this is how the next episode's going to go bc i feel like shit's gonna get even worse before it gets better but like this felt good and cathartic to write and i just want someone to be there to help and comfort steven already</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His heart was beating a thousand miles a minute. It seemed like it always was, these days.</p><p>Light surrounded him as the warp whisked him away, but he didn’t even have a destination in mind.</p><p><em>Not home. Not earth,</em> he thought. Not where he could hurt people. It wasn’t like he had anyone to talk to, either. Every avenue he’d tried had ended in disaster. It felt like his body and mind were at war. Like he needed to be shoved into a bubble — not to protect himself from anyone else, but to protect everyone else from <em>him</em>.</p><p>And he’d <em>tried</em> — he’d tried to fix it, to control himself, to talk to his family, but nothing was working.</p><p>His dad just didn’t understand. He’d grown up totally different, totally normal, and he didn’t understand that there were more abnormalities in Steven’s life other than being part-gem. He’d grown up in a <em>van</em>. He’d never gone to school. Connie knew all sorts of things that Steven would probably never know. He’d gotten a gem education, none of it in a classroom or with homework but on the field with his life on the line.</p><p>And Connie — he couldn’t talk to her, either. She was probably in the most danger, around him. He loved her, but… Well, maybe she didn’t love him. Not in the same way, at least. Not as strongly. And he couldn’t use her or Stevonnie to avoid whatever was so horrifically wrong with himself anyway. He couldn’t do that to Connie, it wouldn’t be right. And even if he did decide to talk to her, he’d probably end up hurting her too. And he wasn’t sure any amount of the diamonds’ essence could bring her back to life…</p><p>And then there were the gems. Just — they didn’t understand at all. He loved them, and he knew they loved him too, but he just… he couldn’t talk to them! He couldn’t talk to anyone! He was alone, and not just because he’d warped himself to — the space warp, he realized. He was surrounded by broken warps, which they could’ve fixed by now, but hadn’t. Why had they never bothered to fix them?</p><p>Steven stumbled off the warp pad and onto the ground below it, collapsing there with a broken sob. What in the world was wrong with him? He didn’t really want to hurt people, did he?</p><p>But he had. And not just — not just <em>Jasper</em>, who he — God, he couldn’t even. Didn’t want to think about it. It didn’t matter that he brought her back — that didn’t change what he’d done.</p><p>Because he’s hurt her in the past, too. And not just her, but — he almost hurt the pink Pearl. And he <em>did</em> hurt Eyeball — he threw her out into the vacuum of space, whether it was self-defense or not. He’s responsible for Lars’ death, whether he’s alive again or not. It’s his fault that <em>so many</em> bad things have happened, and now he’s doing <em>more</em> bad things, and they’re happening <em>now</em>! Years after it was all supposed to be over!</p><p>Because he almost hurt White Diamond, too. And he thought he was past it by now, thought he’d forgiven her — forgiven all of them.</p><p>That’s what he <em>did</em>. He forgave people, always! So why now, after all this time, are these horrific thoughts and urges plaguing him? After he’s created peace in the universe and saved gems and planets everywhere from their tyranny?</p><p>Why does he feel so scared, so threatened, when he’s surrounded by peace? Surrounded by people who claim to love him… but are doing it all wrong?</p><p>“I’m sick,” Steven whispers to himself, staring at his fingers on the ground before him. They’re pink, because of course they are. Because he can’t get a handle on himself and he’s going mad or crazy or maybe he’s just turning evil. Maybe now that all the other diamonds are using their powers for good, he’s finally figuring out how to use his for evil.</p><p><em>I’m supposed to be the good guy,</em> he thinks. So why <em>isn’t he?</em> Why is he causing so much pain and destruction? Why does he feel like he’s tearing in two when his gem is perfectly safe, when it isn’t even being torn from his body and <em>fuck, fuck, fuck!</em></p><p>He’s shaking, shivering, his body going into fight or flight and he feels like he’s going to throw up. Like he needs to run away, except he already <em>has</em>. There’s no one around, no one to help him, and that’s how it should be. Because he’ll hurt them otherwise, and he can’t hurt anyone else, he doesn’t <em>actually</em> want to do that—</p><p>
  <em>So why does he keep doing it?</em>
</p><p>Steven sobs. His hands come to his eyes, heels pressing into them and it hurts, but it’s grounding. He needs help, but no one can help him. He feels lost, but he can’t let anyone find him. He feels scared, and yet the only thing that’s scaring him is himself.</p><p>What’s <em>wrong</em> with him? How can he fix it? How can he feel normal again?</p><p>A blaze of light erupts from behind him and Steven gasps, flinching away from it. Garnet materializes and Steven’s tears come faster but he scrubs them away, getting to his feet and stumbling back.</p><p>“Stay away from me,” he croaks.</p><p>“Steven,” Garnet says. Soft, calm, consoling. But if he can hurt Jasper — <em>no, no, don’t think about it, no</em> — then he can hurt her, too. And he’d die if he hurt her, because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. He already doesn’t want to live with himself. Everything he’s done, everyone he’s hurt — <em>why is it suddenly too much?</em></p><p>“Stop!” he shouts. “Just — don’t get any closer.” He’s pink, he’s glowing, and even with her future vision, Garnet must not realize that she’s in danger.</p><p>“I’m not here to tell you to do anything,” Garnet says. She doesn’t move from where she’s standing, remaining on the warp pad, and Steven can breathe just a little bit easier. His hands clench into fists, but his shields don’t surround him.</p><p><em>Breathe,</em> he thinks to himself.</p><p>“I’m just here to listen.”</p><p>Steven crosses his arms.</p><p>She’s here, practically holding out a helping hand, and he still feels — wrong. Twisted up. This turmoil… it has no discernible source. Mrs. Maheswaren said his body could be reacting to past trauma, but it just doesn’t make <em>sense</em>. It was all so long ago, and he’s been perfectly fine until now…</p><p>Right?</p><p>“I don’t know what to say,” Steven says, voice small. She probably already knows about what he did to — how he shattered—</p><p>He shakes his head. <em>Don’t think about it.</em></p><p>But she probably already knows. He left her, left all of them, standing behind a shield with Jasper. They probably asked her to explain. She probably told them, except with admiration in her tone, about the horrifying thing he did to her…</p><p>And he can’t tell Garnet about White Diamond. He doesn’t even know what that <em>was</em>. Supposedly, he was just talking to himself, but it didn’t feel that way. It didn’t even feel like himself. Like it was two different parts of him, the parts of him that are at war… But he could’ve seriously hurt White. He could’ve shattered her.</p><p>Steven groans, sinking back to his knees, feeling his body pulsing. This is never going to get better. What if he can never calm down?</p><p>“You don’t have to say anything,” Garnet says. “But if you want to talk, I’ll listen. And if you want to go home, we can warp together. I won’t let anyone bother you.”</p><p>Home. Beach city. It’s been in peril so many times, same with all the people living there, and they’re all fine. Steven should be fine.</p><p>And part of him really wants to go back. He wants to be able to crawl under his comforter and just lay in bed, maybe sleep whatever this is off. But he doesn’t feel safe there. And it’s <em>everyone else</em> who shouldn’t feel safe, not him.</p><p>“What do you see?” Steven asks, still not looking at her. He’s looking at his hands. Off-color. “With your future vision?”</p><p>“You know I see lots of things,” Garnet says.</p><p>“But what’s the most probable?” Steven whispers. “Am I going crazy? Am I going to hurt someone? Will I — will I—” he breaks off, his voice choked up and his lungs heaving and his hands shaking. A shield forms around him. Not a bubble. Because a bubble is happy, and safe, and what’s surrounding him is stiff and straight and all sharp edges.</p><p>“I see you coming over here and giving me a hug,” Garnet says simply. Steven shakes his head, tears welling up again, and he could never help that, could he? He’s always crying. “I see us taking this one step at a time. I see you learning to control yourself… eventually. I see you not hurting anyone else and coming into yourself. I see peace in your future, Steven.”</p><p>“I’ll hurt you,” Steven whispers. “I know I will. I’m broken, I’m — I’m <em>bad</em>. I’m bad now, Garnet!”</p><p>“If you’re bad, then I’m made of hate,” Garnet says firmly.</p><p>“You know that’s not true,” Steven mutters.</p><p>“Just as I know you’re not bad. You’re <em>good</em>, Steven. Come here.”</p><p>Steven stands, slowly, and he looks at Garnet. She touches her glasses and they disappear. All three of her eyes are open, and she’s looking at Steven, and she doesn’t look scared at all. She’s not afraid of him.</p><p>The shield around him dissipates. He takes a step forward, then another, and then he’s running. He crashes into Garnet’s arms, his body shaking, and she hugs him tightly. He’s grown so much recently, and he’s taller than Amethyst and Peridot these days, no longer a part of the shorty squad, but he’s still much smaller than Garnet. Always will be. It makes him feel normal, makes him feel like he’s still just a kid, still someone who’s inherently good.</p><p>“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he sobs, and Garnet holds him tighter. Hugging her feels like home. Like family. And maybe he’s never had a normal family or a normal childhood but maybe that isn’t so completely bad. Maybe he can get past whatever <em>this</em> is and start seeing the good in everything again.</p><p>That’s what he’s known for. He sees the good in people, and he forgives them long before others think they should be forgiven. He cries because he cares, and he loves with all his heart. This is just — a roadblock, of some sort. Another obstacle in his life full of endless obstacles. But he overcame all the others, so maybe…</p><p>Maybe he can overcome this, too.</p>
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